Grief & condolence
Grief and condolence: what to say, write and do
When someone you know is grieving, you want to say the right thing and you are afraid of the wrong one. Start here. Everything on this page is free.
By Jon Horton · Updated
Find the words in a minute
Our condolence message finder has more than 300 messages to copy. Choose who died, then how you know the family. Or start with who you are writing about:
Three you can send today
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you and I'm here for anything.
I don't have the right words, but I'm here. I'll bring dinner Thursday. No need to reply.
Praying for you and your family. May God's peace be close to you.
What to say when someone is grieving, in short
You do not need beautiful words. You need three things: say you are sorry, say you are here, and offer one small, specific thing you can actually do. Everything else is a bonus.
- Say you're sorry. “I'm so sorry” is a complete sentence. It does not need a second half.
- Say their name. People worry that mentioning the person will hurt. It rarely does. What hurts is silence.
- Offer something specific. Not “let me know if you need anything,” which hands the work back to a tired person. Try “I'm bringing dinner Thursday. Door or porch?”
The guides below go deeper on exactly what to say in each situation, including the phrases that sound kind and land badly, and what to do instead.
Every grief and condolence guide
Condolence message finder
Pick who died and how you know the family. Copy a condolence message for a card, text, email or post, or print it as a card. Free.
Free tool
Sympathy card messages
What to write in a sympathy card, by relationship and tone: short lines, sign-offs, religious wording and lines for the whole family. Free.
Free tool
What to say when someone dies
The words that help in the first hours and weeks after a death — in person, by text and in a card — plus the phrases to avoid.
Guide
Loss of a mother
Gentle sympathy messages for someone who lost their mom — for a friend, coworker or family member, with religious and non-religious options.
Guide
Condolences to a friend
Condolence messages for a close friend, by text or card. Personal, short and faith-filled examples, plus how to keep showing up.
Guide
What to say to someone grieving
What to say to someone grieving weeks and months later, what to avoid, and simple ways to help that mean more than words.
Guide
When someone loses a parent
Comforting words for someone whose mom or dad died — by text, in a card or face to face — with examples for every relationship.
Guide
When words are not enough
The first week is about logistics, and families are overwhelmed by them. The people who help most are the ones who take a task away rather than offer a sentiment. A meal. A ride to the airport. Answering the door for an afternoon. A friend who picks up the kids from school without being asked.
If you are close enough to be asked to help, you may also be asked to speak or to help plan. These pages are made for that moment:
- Funeral help covers programs, eulogies and what to say at a service.
- Funeral program templates save a family an evening of fighting with a word processor.
- Prayers for the sick, the dying and the grieving, labeled by tradition, for when you want to pray with someone and don't know where to start.
How we write these pages
pastor.care is for the person holding a pastoral moment who is not a pastor: the friend, the neighbor, the coworker, the daughter. We write in plain words, we label prayers by tradition, and we never tell you how to feel. We offer words, rites and practical help. We do not offer counseling, and where grief is heavier than a card can carry, we will point you to someone who can help.
Common questions
What is the best thing to say to someone who is grieving?
Something short and true: "I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you. I'm here." Then add one specific offer, like bringing dinner on Thursday. Plain words said warmly help more than polished ones.
How soon should I send a condolence message?
Send a text or call within a day or two of hearing the news, and a card within the first couple of weeks. A message that arrives late is still welcome. The people who write a month later are often the ones who are remembered.
Should I send a text, a card or call?
A text is fine for the first contact, especially for a friend. A card is better for family, coworkers and anyone you want to keep something from you for years. Call when you are close and can handle a quiet pause. When in doubt, send a card and follow up with a text.
Is it okay to mention God or prayer in a condolence message?
If you know the family shares your faith, yes, and many will be glad of it. If you don't know, a simple offer like "I'm thinking of you" or "I'm praying for you" is rarely unwelcome. Avoid explaining why it happened or what God intended.
What if I say the wrong thing?
A clumsy but kind sentence almost never hurts. If you realize you said something that landed badly, apologize briefly ("That came out wrong. I'm just so sorry") and keep showing up. Your presence matters more than your phrasing.
Keep reading
- FuneralsEverything to plan and lead a funeral: editable program templates, eulogy help, order of service, graveside words and sermon outlines.
- Funeral program templatesEditable funeral program templates for Canva, Word and Google Docs. Finish a beautiful program tonight — instant download, $15.
- Prayers by needA library of prayers by need and tradition — Catholic, Protestant and Orthodox — for healing, the sick, the hospital and the grieving.
- Condolence message finderPick who died and how you know the family. Copy a condolence message for a card, text, email or post, or print it as a card. Free.
- Sympathy card messagesWhat to write in a sympathy card, by relationship and tone: short lines, sign-offs, religious wording and lines for the whole family. Free.
- What to say when someone diesThe words that help in the first hours and weeks after a death — in person, by text and in a card — plus the phrases to avoid.