Grief & condolence

What to say to someone grieving: 40 kind things

What to say to someone grieving is easier with examples. Here are 40 kind things to say, from the first days to the first anniversary, in the order you will need them.

By Jon Horton · Updated October 25, 2026

In the first days: ten things to say

I'm so sorry. I'm here.
I don't have the right words, but I'm thinking of you.
I'm bringing dinner. I'll leave it on the porch.
You don't have to say anything. I'll sit with you.
Tell me about her.
I'm a phone call away, any hour.
I'm so sorry. I loved him too.
I'll take the kids this afternoon so you can rest.
Whatever you're feeling is okay.
I'm going to keep checking in, and you never have to answer.

What helps a grieving person most

Grieving people say the same thing again and again: “I wasn't looking for the perfect words. I wanted someone to stay.” What helps is not clever. It is the sense that someone has noticed, isn't afraid, and isn't going away.

The list above gets you through the first days. The lists below take you through the visit, the weeks after and the hard dates. Pick the ones that sound like you. Change a word or two. Say them slowly.

Looking for something to send instead of say? Try the condolence message finder, or read what to say when someone dies for the very first hours.

At a visit: eight things to say

Sitting with someone is a gift. These keep the conversation open without pushing.

What was she like when she was young?
Would you like some quiet, or some company?
Do you want to talk about him, or would you rather have a break from it?
I'll never forget the way he laughed at his own jokes.
Would it help if I made the phone calls to the people on your list?
What's the hardest part of today?
I'm going to stay a little while, if that's all right. We don't have to talk.
I'm not going anywhere. Take your time.

Weeks later: eight things to say

The meals stop. The phone goes quiet. This is when your message matters most.

I've been thinking about you. How are you, really?
It's been a few weeks. I wanted to check in. No pressure to answer.
I'm making soup this weekend. Can I bring some by?
I'm going for a walk Saturday morning. Come with me, or I'll bring the coffee to you.
Is there anything you've been dreading that I could do for you?
You don't have to put on a brave face with me.
I thought of your dad today when I heard that song. I hope it's okay to tell you.
Do you want to talk about her today, or just be together?

Months later and on hard days: eight things to say

Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. A short message on those days says that you remember.

Tomorrow would have been his birthday. I'm thinking of you both.
It's been six months. I haven't forgotten, and I'm still here.
The holidays are coming. How can I help make them easier?
I know the first Mother's Day is hard. I'm thinking of you.
I still miss her too.
Today is the anniversary. I'm holding you in my heart.
Grief doesn't keep a schedule. Take as long as you need. I'll be here.
I saw something that reminded me of him, and I wanted to share it.

When they cry, go quiet or get angry: six things to say

You are not there to fix the feeling. You are there so it isn't carried alone.

It's okay to cry. I'm not going anywhere.
You don't have to talk. I'm happy to sit here.
That sounds so hard.
It makes sense that you're angry.
I don't have an answer. But I'm here with you in the question.
Thank you for telling me.

What not to say to someone grieving

Every one of these has been said out of love. Each tends to land as a request to hurry. Try the alternative instead.

Skip
He's in a better place.
It may not be what they believe, and it asks them to be comforted too soon.
Try instead
I'm so sorry. He was so loved.
Skip
It's been a while. Shouldn't you be feeling better?
There is no deadline. The question tells them they're behind.
Try instead
How are you doing this week? I'm here either way.
Skip
God never gives us more than we can handle.
That sentence isn't in Scripture, and people who are barely coping hear it as an accusation.
Try instead
This is too much for anyone. I'm praying, and I'm here.
Skip
You're so strong.
It makes it hard for them to fall apart in front of you.
Try instead
You don't have to be strong right now. I'll carry some of this.
Skip
You can have another baby / marry again / get another dog.
Nothing replaces who they lost, and people don't need to be told what comes next.
Try instead
I'm so sorry for what you've lost. Tell me about them.
Skip
I don't know how you're doing it.
It sounds like admiration but leaves them feeling watched.
Try instead
How are you doing today, really? It's okay if it's a bad one.

How to listen to someone who is grieving

Most of what helps is not what you say. It is how you listen. A few habits:

Let them repeat themselves. People tell the story of the death again and again. It's not a loop. It's how they come to terms with it. Listen as though it were the first time.
Don't fix. Nothing you say will make it better. Resist the urge to offer a plan, a book or a silver lining.
Don't compare. “My uncle died last year, and…” moves the story to you. Wait for them to ask.
Repeat what you hear. “That sounds exhausting.” “It sounds like you miss her most in the mornings.” People feel heard when their words come back to them.
Tolerate silence. Count to ten. If nothing comes, you can say, “We don't have to talk.”

Help beyond words

Words are only half of it. A grieving person is also tired, hungry and behind on everything. Here's what makes a difference:

Drop off food in a container they never need to return, with a short note.
Take over a recurring job: taking out the bins, the school run, mowing the lawn, the weekly grocery order.
Offer a ride to the funeral, the cemetery or the lawyer's office.
Help with the service. A funeral program template and our funeral guides take some of the work off a family.
Pray with them if they're open to it. There are prayers for hard days for many traditions.
Keep a calendar. Mark two weeks, two months, the birthday and the anniversary. Then show up on those days.

If you're writing rather than speaking, see condolence messages to a friend, or what to say when someone loses a parent.

Common questions

What do you say to someone who is grieving?

Say you're sorry, say you're here and listen. "I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you. Tell me about her, if you want to." Skip advice, explanations and silver linings. The best words are short and say what you mean.

What do you say to someone grieving weeks or months later?

"I've been thinking about you. How are you, really?" and "It's been a while, and I haven't forgotten." Mention the person by name and invite a story. Most people stop checking in after a few weeks, so your message stands out.

What should you not say to someone who is grieving?

Avoid anything that explains the death or hurries the grief: "He's in a better place," "Everything happens for a reason," "At least she lived a long life," "You need to be strong," and "I know how you feel." Also skip "Let me know if you need anything." Offer something specific instead.

Is it okay to bring up the person who died?

Yes. Most grieving people want to talk about them and are afraid others will forget. If you aren't sure, ask: "Would you like to talk about him, or would you rather have a break?" Let them lead.

What if the grieving person doesn't want to talk?

Then be with them without talking. Watch a show, walk, wash the dishes, sit on the porch. Silence shared with a friend is not awkward to them. It's the opposite of being left alone.

How long should I keep checking in?

Longer than you think. Many people receive plenty of support for two weeks and almost nothing after. Check in at two weeks, two months, the birthday and the anniversary, and any time you think of them.

What do you say to someone who is grieving and doesn't believe in God?

Leave out the religious phrases and offer presence: "I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you, and I'm here." You can still pray for them privately. If they're open to it, you can ask: "Would you mind if I said a prayer for you? Just say no if not."

When should someone talk to a professional about grief?

A pastor, a licensed counselor or a local grief group can help when the weight does not lift, or when someone cannot eat, sleep or function for a long time. You can encourage it gently: "Would it help to talk to someone? I can help you find a person." If someone speaks about ending their life, call or text 988 right away.